One Smart Mother: The Blog

Last Thursday, I received a call that my cousin JoAnn had lost her battle with cancer. The news came while my two teenage daughters and I were away on vacation before the oldest heads to college. JoAnn and her husband also have two daughters – now in their forties. JoAnn was courageous in her fight for many months. She spent very little time in the hospital and died in her home, thanks to her will and the support of her wonderful husband and family. Joann was the daughter of my grandmother’s sister Mary. Aunt Mary was one of those aunts who always had a fully stocked candy dish whenever I stopped in for a visit. We always laughed as if we were both kids. JoAnn spent her entire career teaching young women early childhood education – she taught teachers. As our extended family is Italian, careers were not usually the main topic of conversation at gatherings – food usually held that spotlight. JoAnn married Carl on the day after Christmas, 1965. They were just a few months shy of having shared 45 years together. Carl was also a teacher and apparently a very good listener, as JoAnn would want to share the stories of the students about whom she cared very much. Many of my memories of Joann and Carl are of two people who stayed close to each other at family functions, usually among the most sensible of the bunch. Today, during the funeral, my respect for their relationship grew even more. As my older cousin, JoAnn and I would discuss our common interests in the education of young children and the importance of a teacher’s training. But it was through the words of others that I learned of the countless lives she influenced. The old metaphor of ripples created by a single pebble seems perfect here. JoAnn never sought fame or fortune. Her life’s work was her passion. Her students and their students were influenced in immeasurable ways. Her relationships, both personal and professional, would reap the rewards of a woman living her life with intention. Walking into the funeral, my thoughts were with her husband, because he and JoAnn had been so close – of the sense of loss that must be overwhelming. When we all said goodbye, I realized that my assumption did not reflect the strength shown by JoAnn and her family. Carl is proud of her and can smile about their life together. She was a true role model for her daughters. Amy has chosen to stay home raising her two beautiful children. Kristen is single and, as she describes it, “makes others laugh” for a living. She creates promotional events for corporations and is in the Guinness Book of Records for “most elves at an event” – actually, Aunt Mary’s genes might have played a role there, too… Kristen made sure that JoAnn’s wish was granted – that the Notre Dame fight song would be sung at the funeral luncheon – It was lead by her 10 year old grandson. I did not head back to CT with a sense of loss, but rather gratitude for JoAnn’s example of staying true to one’s values and following our passion – to be that pebble, casting ripples out for the benefit of future generations. JoAnn was not a CEO, nor did she publish a book or run for office, but she left this world having created a legacy of passion and strength and love.

“Oh Toto, I don’t think we’re in Manhattan anymore.” Recently, I happened onto The Baby Shower episode of Sex and the City and hit the record button as fast as these 51 year old eyes could find said button on the remote. Why? Candace Bushnell provided a wonderfully witty, yet poignant, snapshot of the experience I like to call landing on mommy island. It took a moment for me to convince myself that Sex and the City had not merged with Mad Men. The four ladies, looking like the female equivalent of Men in Black, knock on the perfect door of the perfect house on the perfect street, to be greeted by the perfectly dressed – but not in black – mother to be. As the suburban ladies, now moms – none of whom are dressed in power black – boast of their perfect children, sons in particular, Miranda comments, “So all I have to do to meet the perfect man is give birth to him”. Charlotte instantly buys into the program(ming). When they present the mom-to-be with a “Bellini baby basket”, Samantha heads to the bar for a different Bellini. Carrie ponders whether she will be the next one to hop onto the baby express, ” As I watched Laney tear open a terry cloth bib with the same enthusiasm she used to reserve for tearing off a rock star’s pants, I couldn’t help wonder, was I next??“There were just too many brilliant observations and metaphors tightly packed into a single episode. For the city woman, is the suburban dream really an urban myth??

Last night, I thought I posted a fairly innocuous comment on my Facebook page: I am writing about doctor moms and lawyer moms. You see, when Becky and I

via Do Doctor and Lawyer Moms Have It Harder?.

“Did Feminism Make Women Miserable? Naomi Wolf Responds” by Susan Toepfer appeared in today’s WSJ Speakeasy blog. Ms. Toepfer describes Ms. Wolf’s response to motivational speaker Marcus Buckingham who, according to the post, caused an uproar last fall by producing research suggesting that, thanks to feminism, women today are less happy than they were 40 years ago.
One of the most important results of the feminist movement is that women now have more choices. Whether a woman chooses to work outside the home or does so out of necessity, she has options not available fifty years ago. I am old enough to remember the children’s books that showed that mommy could be a police officer or a doctor or a lawyer.
So, there is little to argue about increased choice. Where the true question lies is whether feminism created a direct line to a woman’s happiness. The answer is no. BUT, it is the choice brought about by feminism that leads to individual satisfaction. Without choice, we are more likely to become depressed. Yet, choice can be burdensome. In my days as a stay at home mom, a friend complained, “Sometimes I wish we did not have all these choices.” When I had the opportunity to meet Gloria Steinem, I asked for her response to that. “You must remember the men”. I interpreted her words to mean that women will be able to reach their potential, claim their choice, but we cannot do it all by ourselves.
So, feminism brought us choice. Choice is the catalyst for satisfaction. Satisfaction leads to happiness. Happiness lies in the ability to live authentically – and to know when to ask for help.

Ironically, I had just begun to write this post when Facebook provided me with today’s horoscope: “When approaching problems today, Taurus, immediately reject any solution you’ve tried before, because today’s energy emphasizes experimentation. Creativity is a part of this, in that you need to use your wit to come up with your own approach,” As a writer, I am always looking for a good story. As a woman, I have felt compelled to write about some of my toughest life challenges with the hope that they would help other women. Life has provided yet another unexpected twist. In the midst of a sudden change in my career path – one which I am learning to gracefully embrace – I ran into roadblocks that began to expose a pattern. With 20/20 hindsight, those roadblocks had been popping up since I was a child. They did not stop me from taking on challenges and accomplishing difficult tasks. Only recently, FOCUS became a very nasty word. It was suggested that I be assessed for ADD. So, a few weeks shy of 51, “it” became clear, many of my life struggles had at least some root in ADHD. In my professional training, I learned not to pathologize – work the system to create change. What I believe is that working the system is a good thing, but it is almost reckless to ignore what is often an organic problem. As a clinical intern, I worked with clients to help them break loose from such labels
(bipolar, borderline). Trauma of some sort often played a role, followed by such negative coping skills as aggression, addiction. There will be a lot more to come on this topic because I now recognize the impact ADHD has had on my life. No excuses here, but information to help understand and really create change toward mental and physical wellness.

While the parenting market is flooded with new books (see last blog on what makes an expert), an extremely noteworthy addition is about to be released. Wiley Publishers is launching The War on Moms: On Life in a Family-Unfriendly Nation : http://bit.ly/9Ww12E Why life is harder on… http://bit.ly. While she beat me to it, this is the book I knew had to be written. Now the real work begins as we challenge corporate America to join France and Sweden in working with not against families. One Smart Mother works on the front lines to support professional women as they face the challenges of new motherhood.

No, this post will not focus on postpartum mood disorders. I am referring to a yet to be named phenomenon that contemporary women face during the transition to motherhood. The flood of information – websites, blogs, magazines, books and other traditional media – brings my own self-described information-seeking mind to the brink of overload. New and aspiring mothers can turn to hundreds of sources, then toss around their findings with their friends or on their own blogs. After all the filtering, what is the information that is not just someone’s take on these topics, but research and experience driven “facts”? If one has authored a book, is that the criteria for “expert”? In the 1960′s, women absorbed their copy of Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care, trusted their pediatricians and filtered advice from family and friends. While the choices were miniscule in comparison to our information universe, was this a less neurotic grasp at “getting it right”? One Smart Mother loves Lisa Belkin’s Motherlode. Ms. Belkin can turn out important information in a smart and friendly format and her bio speaks for itself. Thank you to Lisa Belkin for being a trustworthy guide in this sea of quasi-educated opinionated information.

Being proactive pre and post pregnancy begins in the preconception stage by making conscious choices. Like everything in life, our lives as mothers evolve. What works for us one day may need to be reevaluated the next. Personal/professional identity and roles need to be adjusted as children grow, parents get older, mates change. High-achieving women often find the most difficulty in adjusting to the motherhood role. The laser focus of perfectionism either has to find a new target in the baby or the lens has to be softened.

Through education and with the support of groups and individual consultation, hopes and expectations can be addressed, thereby reducing stress and guilt. Despite the myriad of information available online, in print, there is tremendous power in the human connection of meeting with a group. Sharing in a respectful atmosphere helps to normalize the experience. Individual consultation can help a woman identify priorities, values and other important factors toward making proactive choices in her life.

At a workshop at Harvard Medical School, I have been discussing the topic of high-achieving women entering motherhood. We all agreed that such women often have a more difficult time adjusting to their new role. One young very upwardly mobile mother said, “Oh yes, the narcissist”.

Isolation, breastfeeding, financial strain, exhaustion, identity shift…

If we were aware of the trappings of new motherhood, how many of us would make the commitment?  Despite our standing in life, some things remain constant for all of us when we decide we want to become mothers. Like a lot of other crucial life decisions, we weight the pros and cons. To some, our emotions outweigh the practicalities of the choice. Others agonize over the more concrete – finances, health risk, etc.

The goal of my work – my passion – is to educate women -  to empathize and guide through this most important life transition. If we proactively look at the choices involved in becoming a mother, we are more likely to enter motherhood confidently. With less surprises after the baby arrives, we can more fully  enjoy this beautiful time.